


to my youth

by naimao



Category: THE9 (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV), 青春有你2
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Canon Compliant, Emotional Constipation, F/F, endgame lf/lkr, side lf/llz and lyx/lkr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24765358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naimao/pseuds/naimao
Summary: When Nai Wan comes up to Lin Fan at the end of the day and asks, “So how long have you and Keran been— you know?” it takes a moment for Lin Fan to process what she means.She gives it a good few seconds or so, blinking at Nai Wan until the words sink into her brain and she perks up. “Oh, we’ve been friends for around six years now? Give or take.”Nai Wan stares up at her before gesturing vaguely and lowering her voice before she speaks up again, mindful of the other contestants around them. They’ve seen first-hand what loose lips can do to someone’s tenure in this competition. “No, stupid. You know.”“I really don’t,” Lin Fan says. “What are you talking about?”(Lin Fan, Lu Keran, and what happens in the moments in between.)
Relationships: Lin Fan/Lu Keran
Comments: 16
Kudos: 70





	to my youth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [girltalk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girltalk/gifts).



> for reety reet ♡ happy birthday ♡

When Nai Wan comes up to Lin Fan at the end of the day and asks, “So how long have you and Keran been— you know?” it takes a moment for Lin Fan to process what she means.

She gives it a good few seconds or so, blinking at Nai Wan until the words sink into her brain and she perks up. “Oh, we’ve been friends for around six years now? Give or take.”

Nai Wan stares up at her before gesturing vaguely and lowering her voice before she speaks up again, mindful of the other contestants around them. They’ve seen first-hand what loose lips can do to someone’s tenure in this competition. “No, stupid. You know.”

“I really don’t,” Lin Fan says. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what? Never mind if you’re going to be like this,” Nai Wan huffs, and she stomps away to harass Shuyin or some other poor unsuspecting trainee. Lin Fan watches her go before turning and heading in the direction of the cafeteria to grab something quick to eat.

That was weird.

“Nai Wan said something weird today,” Lin Fan whispers to Keran late that night, when Keran’s climbed down from her bed and up into Lin Fan’s. Keran complains sometimes that her blanket is too thin, that the temperature in the dorm is too cold, that the mess in the room makes it too hard to sleep, and she’s decided that she can solve at least one of her problems by sleeping with Lin Fan. Lin Fan didn’t really have a say in it the first time Keran’s head popped up over the railing, followed by the rest of her body and her pillow, but she couldn’t find it in herself to complain too much when Keran prodded at her until she scooted over to make room.

“What did she say?” Keran’s curled up on her side, her hands tucked underneath the pillow.

“She asked about you and me, how long we’ve known each other or something.”

“Six years, right?”

“But it wasn’t that, she was weird about it. Like, _you know_ ,” Lin Fan imitates Nai Wan’s inflection the best as she can, and Keran stares back at her.

“Weird,” Keran finally says, and Lin Fan nods. The cotton of her pillow is soft against her cheek, and she thinks she could just stay like this, warm and comfortable. “But stop thinking and go to sleep, you won’t have enough energy to practice in the morning if you keep staying up this late.”

“Okay,” Lin Fan replies dutifully, and she rolls over to face the wall. It’s not long before Keran’s breathing evens out, and in time, Lin Fan’s does, too.

Lin Fan wakes up alone. The other side of the bed is cold, and Lin Fan’s never known Keran to be much of a morning person. She looks out at the rest of the room, devoid of its other occupants, and she sighs. Another day of practice awaits her, and she can’t say she’s particularly thrilled about this evaluation.

If she’s being honest, the dance for A Little Sweet is more emotionally grueling than she’d ever expected, and Lin Fan cries no fewer than three times. It’s stupid as hell, and she knows it. If she wants to make it out there in the world, she’ll have to do a lot more than act cutesy in front of the camera and shake her ass a few times, but _still_. It’s about the principle of it all, really.

She ugly-cries into Lingzi’s shoulder in the hallway, snatching a few stop-crying-you-baby kisses from her when the cameras aren’t on them anymore, and then in the practice room she ugly-cries again in front of the rest of her team, for everyone to see. She’s almost certain this is going to end up as a meme, and when they get their phones back, Keran is going to download all of the photos she can and send them to her every chance she gets.

Lin Fan is halfway to the showers when she realizes: when they get their phones back, it’ll be after all of this is over.

And Lin Fan doesn’t know how she feels about that.

Keran comes back to the room late that night, long after Nai Wan’s fallen asleep. Lin Fan rolls over in her bed to poke her head over the railings when the door creaks open and light streams in from the hallway. She hears the rustle of fabric as Keran fumbles with something on her desk.

“Lu Keran,” Lin Fan stage-whispers, her fingers closed around the rail, and Keran’s head jerks up, her body twisting to find the source of the sound.

“Lin Fan,” Keran says. Her hair is wet, and it clings to her face. Was she practicing until now, all alone? “Did I wake you?”

“It’s okay. I was waiting for you to come back, but I fell asleep.” A yawn.

“Go back to sleep, dummy, it’s almost four.”

“What were you doing?” Lin Fan asks, muffling another yawn. “It’s so late.”

Keran’s lips twist, wry. “Teacher Ella wasn’t too happy with me last time she heard me sing,” she says by way of explanation. “And Teacher Lisa— well. It’s not a big deal, anyway. Go sleep.”

“No way,” Lin Fan wants to say, but her head’s already flopped back down on the pillow and her eyelids— those traitorous bastards!— are closing on her. She hears Keran’s laugh, low and soft, right before she drifts off again, and when her eyes open in the morning, Keran is gone.

“Have you seen Keran around lately?” Lin Fan asks Nai Wan, who’s currently sitting in the middle of their room and unboxing what seems to be an entire store’s inventory of makeup. Lin Fan picks up a palette, and she _swears_ she’s seen Nai Wan with that exact same one just a few weeks ago. But she’s learned not to question Nai Wan’s spending decisions after last time.

“Yeah, I guess? Like at practice and lunch and stuff.” Nai Wan’s voice is muffled through the scissors clenched in between her teeth. “Why?”

Lin Fan picks her way through the mess to clear out an area next to Nai Wan and lean her chin on Nai Wan’s shoulder. “I think she’s overworking herself.”

Nai Wan plucks the scissors from her mouth. “You don’t say,” she mutters, her voice flat. “Lu Keran, _not_ overworking herself? You’d think the world was ending.”

“No, I know, but like.” Lin Fan gestures vaguely at where Keran would be if she were in her room instead of being cooped up in the practice rooms every single day. She contemplates making a mannequin out of Keran’s clothes and snacks pilfered from whoever doesn’t want them just so she can sit it at Keran’s desk and pretend she’s actually there. “You know. More than usual.”

Nai Wan looks at Lin Fan like she’s an idiot. “Well, obviously. You _do_ know what Lisa said to her, right?”

Lin Fan doesn’t know. She tries to think, running over every time Keran’s mentioned Lisa to her in the past few weeks, and she comes up with a blank. She realizes, suddenly, that Nai Wan knows something about Keran she doesn’t, that there’s something Keran has told Nai Wan that she hasn’t told Lin Fan, and it stings. There’s the bitter taste of a revelation, a thought that’s lurked in the back of her mind but she’s never paid attention to, that Keran has friends outside of her on this show. She swallows it.

She pretends she does know, though, and says, “Obviously.”

Nai Wan rolls her eyes, turning her attention back to the pack of lipsticks she’s just ripped open. She examines one, a bright red-orange when she pulls off the cap, and frowns at it. “Then what do you have to worry about?”

Lin Fan has known Keran since they were teenagers, and it’s been six years that they’ve lived together. Six years of seeing Keran’s face first thing in the morning, six years of cooking for Keran when she’s hungry, six years of watching Keran through all of her ups and downs, all of her highs and lows.

She knows Keran isn’t the type who’s vocal about the way she feels if it’s more than a passing emotion. Lin Fan can deal with all of Keran’s late-night cravings, all of her momentary bursts of excitement, but what she’s left struggling with are the moments where Keran is too far away to reach. She feels like that now, sitting with Lingzi and Zihan and Xinyi at the balcony. Lingzi is talking about how Keni walked in on Yu Yan doing some exercises with a fire extinguisher and immediately decided she wanted to train like that and ended up bruising her hips, and Lin Fan is only half paying attention.

“Earth to Lin Fan,” Lingzi says, snapping her fingers. “Is anyone home?”

Lin Fan blinks, and when she realizes Lingzi’s been saying something to her, her expression immediately becomes apologetic. “Sorry, what?”

“I said, isn’t that Keran over there?” Lingzi points down at the courtyard, and Lin Fan follows the path her finger traces.

It _is_ Keran, and she’s surrounded by a few other girls. They’re all clearly on their way to the practice rooms, and when Lin Fan squints, she can make out the others: Yuxin, obvious from her haircut and clothes; Jiaqi, her profile like it’s been carved out of marble even from so far away; and Keyin, who bounces along by Keran’s side with a hand tucked into the crook of Keran’s elbow.

“They’re such workaholics, I swear,” Lingzi says, her tone equal parts disbelieving and admiring as they watch Keyin wrest the door open with a flourish and everyone piles in. “I see them together in the practice rooms all the time. One time, Keni went to go piss at four in the morning and she said she saw Keyin coming back from practice.”

Lin Fan adds that, and the fact that Keran is apparently this close to these three girls, to the growing list of things she didn’t know about Keran. But that’s not important right now, not when Lingzi’s annoyance at being ignored earlier is rolling off of her in waves.

“Sorry,” Lin Fan says instead to Lingzi, wrapping her fingers around Lingzi’s wrist and tugging the other girl closer until Lingzi’s almost completely in her lap. Like this, Lingzi is even more beautiful, her hair framing her face, her eyes dark and wide, her mouth red and beautiful. “Let me make it up to you. For earlier.”

Lingzi sniffs, curling a hand into Lin Fan’s hair. It’s an unspoken thing, their relationship and each other, whatever exists in this tenuous space between them, but just for now, it’s all they can do together. “You’d better.”

It keeps happening.

Day after day, Keran is nowhere to be found.

She still eats with Lin Fan, still comes to sit with her every breakfast and lunch and dinner, still hangs out with her on the weekends and whenever they have free time, but Lin Fan’s starting to feel the growing distance between them. Keran is there, physically, but Lin Fan can tell that her thoughts are somewhere else.

“What’s been wrong with you lately?” Keran asks, her head cocked to the side. She’s idly drawing patterns onto the plate with her chopsticks, her other hand tapping restless beats onto the table.

 _What’s wrong with you?_ Lin Fan wants to retort, but she shoves another spoonful of rice into her mouth to quell the rising unease. Her best friend is becoming someone she doesn’t know anymore. _What else is going on that I don’t know about?_

“Nothing,” she finally answers. Keran’s eyebrows are all furrowed, her mouth set in a tight line. So this is what it feels like to keep secrets.

It all comes to a head the day after their numbers are whittled down to thirty-five.

Lin Fan doesn’t consider for a second that she won’t stay in Lion. She puts herself fifth— obviously, Xiai and Yuxin have to stay, and there’s no denying the way An Qi and Yu Yan so perfectly fit the concept— and scribbles down Dai Meng and Chen Jue and Wang Chengxuan after her name.

An hour later, she walks out of the practice room, her eyes stinging. She didn’t mean to push Chengxuan away like that, she didn’t deserve it, but Lin Fan can’t bear to be comforted by someone who took a spot that could’ve been hers. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it. She just can’t.

She realizes, with a startling clarity, that maybe this is what Zhenzhen felt like during the last elimination when she placed thirty-sixth. Something about being so close to the end, about being just a hair’s breadth away from something she wants so badly, only to have it ripped from her hands at the last moment. She closes her eyes and breathes in, deep. In and out. In and out. Until she can look up at the bright lights and the cameras without wanting to cry again.

Mo Han and Xinran join her in the hallway after, and Lin Fan shares a look with them. Understanding of a common hurt.

And like that, Lin Fan finds herself in a group she wasn’t even chosen for.

She stays in the practice rooms late that night with Mo Han, since they both have so many days of lost practice to catch up on. Mo Han packs up and goes back to her room after she’s gotten the basic choreo down, saying she’ll run through it again tomorrow morning, but Lin Fan stays. She runs through the steps until they’re second nature, until she’s watched her own reflection enough times that when she closes her eyes, the afterimages of the silhouettes are burned into her mind.

At one in the morning, Lin Fan wipes the sweat from her forehead, staring at herself in the mirror. Desperation— this must be what it’s like. To want something so badly she’ll give up a good night of sleep for it. To subject her body to this kind of treatment day after day until her muscles are screaming at her to stop. If this is what everyone in the top ranks are all like, then Lin Fan knows why she hasn’t been able to catch up.

The hallways are dark now, and Lin Fan gives her eyes some time to adjust to the way only the light seeping in from occupied rooms brightens her way. From here, it’s a simple walk to the dorms.

Still, she can’t help herself from peeking into each practice room to see who’s still inside. She can’t help it, she’s always been a little bit nosy like that. Here, Shuxin and Xiaotang and Xueer going over the main choreo for Non Daily Revelry, and she can make out Keyin deep asleep in a corner, covered with discarded jackets. In another room, Jiaqi is with Yu Yan and An Qi, watching them run through the steps for Lion. There are a couple of trainees still practicing in some of the other rooms, and Lin Fan passes them all by.

The last room that’s still bright is all the way down the hall, but Lin Fan can’t help herself. She peeks through the window, standing just off to the side of the door and looking in on its occupants.

Keran is going through the moves for No Company, a jacket she’d brought from home half-draped over her shoulders, and Yuxin is watching her with something like fondness in her eyes. Lin Fan’s seen it many times before— she just has that kind of pleasant stare whenever she talks to anyone at all— but it feels a little different this time.

Keran finishes the phrase with a flourish, and Yuxin comes up behind her, putting her hands on Keran’s hips and gently guiding her, saying something Lin Fan can’t make out. She almost looks away then.

She should have.

Keran twists in the circle of Yuxin’s arms and presses a sloppy kiss to the corner of Yuxin’s mouth and Lin Fan’s heart is thundering so hard in her chest that she feels like everyone and their mother is going to hear.

They don’t, of course, and as Lin Fan turns and walks away, her face burning and her hands shaking, she knows that no one here had noticed her at all.

“What is _wrong_ with you?”

Lin Fan drags her head up from the table, cursing the force of gravity for making it so damn hard on her. There’s something a little bit like worry in Nai Wan’s eyes.

“I’m fine,” Lin Fan mumbles, staring ahead at the wall. The polaroid of her and Keran hangs in the middle of the display, the two of them in their uniforms and Keran’s head tilted towards Lin Fan’s. It feels like forever ago that they took this. “Just thinking.”

“Something must be really wrong,” Nai Wan says, but she comes up behind Lin Fan and starts running her hands through Lin Fan’s hair. It’s soothing, and Lin Fan feels like she could just fall asleep from what Nai Wan’s doing to her scalp. “Our little Fan Fan, what’s wrong?”

Lin Fan buries her face into her arms. “Keran has friends.”

The ministrations stop. “What?”

“Keran isn’t hanging out with me anymore because she has other friends. And I miss her.”

“Why don’t you just tell her that? The way you’ve been acting, it’s like she kicked your cat or something. I can’t believe it’s just _that_.”

Unease makes Lin Fan hesitate. She thinks about last night and what she’d seen.

“I think.” She swallows. “I think Keran likes someone.”

When she looks up, Nai Wan’s expression is as confused as she’s ever seen the other girl. “Why are you telling me this? Does it bother you?”

“I don’t— no? I don’t know? I don’t know what I feel.” Lin Fan sighs and drops her chin onto her crossed arms, staring at the polaroid again. “I just wish she’d told me. Or something. I feel like shit. I’ll figure it out.”

“Jesus,” Nai Wan finally sighs. “I didn’t sign up to be a rap tutor or a goddamn life counselor when I came on this show. Now look at me. Maybe I should be charging you for this.”

Lin Fan waffles back and forth on whether or not she should talk to Keran.

On one hand, it’s the reasonable thing to do. Nai Wan would probably praise her for it, and she’d be able to finally talk to Keran about some of the things that have been bothering her for a while now, eating at her until her dreams are filled with images of Keran’s back turned away from her. On the other hand, it requires actually _talking_ and Lin Fan isn’t sure she can handle a conversation like that.

So she thinks about it, mulling the idea over in her mind for hours until she nearly runs into the wall during practice, and when she excuses herself to go to the bathroom to clear her mind, Keran is the one who walks in.

“Hi,” Lin Fan says, her hands frozen in mid-air. There’s still water dripping from her nose from when she’d splashed herself to try to focus, to calm down.

“Hi,” Keran replies. The door slams shut behind her, and Lin Fan has a sudden sinking feeling that her decision’s already been made for her. “So can we talk?”

Keran checks every stall to make sure no one’s in there, which Lin Fan thinks is a little bit crazy at first because she’s sure no one would even want to eavesdrop on them. But she looks at Keran, really _looks_ , and her train of thought derails and she realizes that Keran’s lost weight. It’s not a lot, but it’s noticeable enough to Lin Fan, and if six years of living together doesn’t immediately clue her in to the fact that something’s wrong, nothing might.

Keran must be feeling the same way she does, because she says, “You look different now.”

“Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

“Nai Wan told me something last night, so I wanted t—”

Lin Fan blanches, yelling and immediately cutting off whatever Keran was about to say. “Wait, before you say it, I want to say something too.” Keran’s mouth clamps shut, and she shifts her weight, leaning against the wall and looking at Lin Fan, and Lin Fan takes it as a cue to go ahead. “I know we came here together, and I know we both have new friends now, but I still want to be your best friend.” Lin Fan swallows. “I know there’s someone you like. And I’m okay with it. But I don’t know. I just wish you’d told me about it.”

Keran’s mouth drops open.

She doesn’t speak for what feels like a good minute or so, and Lin Fan isn’t sure what Keran is going to do. Lin Fan can’t tell if she’s upset or anything— just that she’s looking at Lin Fan with an inscrutable expression on her face.

“So you know about it,” Keran says, and Lin Fan nods. Keran purses her lips together tightly, and Lin Fan gets the oddest feeling. She can count on one hand the number of times she’s seen Keran cry in her entire life, but it feels like she’s about to cry now. “And it doesn’t bother you?”

Lin Fan shakes her head, slow. She can’t say that the thought of Keran with Yuxin doesn’t bother her on some level, this strange undercurrent of an unease she can’t explain, but if she had to be honest with herself, it’s not like she hasn’t liked Yuxin at some point during the show, either.

“It’s fine with me,” Lin Fan says. She extends a hand out to Keran, who just looks at it. “No more secrets, okay? Let’s shake on it.”

Keran huffs, muttering something along the lines of _when did you get this annoying_ , but she clasps Lin Fan’s hand in hers and Lin Fan closes her fingers tight and drags Keran in for a hug.

“I missed you,” Lin Fan mumbles into Keran’s hair, and she feels Keran’s fingers clench in her t-shirt.

“Stupid, if you wanted a hug you could’ve just asked.”

“You’re ruining the moment.”

“What moment?”

Lin Fan’s barely able to contain her energy when the No Company team steps out onto the stage. Everyone looks gorgeous, and Lin Fan makes a mental note to thank whoever styled Lingzi and Xinyi in particular.

And then there’s Keran. This might be the first time Lin Fan’s ever seen her wear a cropped _anything_ , but there’s no denying how good she looks in it. She looks so good that despite Lin Fan’s initial plan to watch everyone equally, she finds all of her attention drawn to the Keran performing on stage.

Her throat is dry and her hands are clammy when the song ends, and Lin Fan makes sure to wipe them off on her shorts before Xinyi can notice and make fun of her again.

The third ranking evaluation approaches sooner than Lin Fan particularly wants it to. Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen.

“I want to congratulate the fifteenth place, someone who’s handsome and cool with short hair,” Cai Xukun says, and Lin Fan feels Keran stiffen by her side. They’ve already passed the lower tens, where Lin Fan expects to end up when— if she manages to make it past this round.

“See,” Keran says, slapping Lin Fan’s arm. There’s an excitement in her eyes that Lin Fan can’t quite bring herself to mirror.

“A cool short-haired girl, there’s so many of them,” Lin Fan replies. There’s Shangguan Xiai and Keran, and Yuxin, too, although the earth would probably explode before Yuxin ever fell back to anywhere below the debut ranks.

“Her name has three characters,” Cai Xukun continues.

Lin Fan can’t help but retort, a little meanly, “Look, three characters.” Lu Keran, Liu Yuxin. Isn’t it obvious? Lin Fan can feel Keran deflate next to her, and it’s clear who fifteenth is going to be.

Then it ended up not being obvious at all— Xiai, _Ma Baoer_ — who would’ve ever guessed? She watches as Xiai takes the stage, as the girls give their speeches and sit in the glittering chairs.

Then, fourteen:

“This trainee’s really brave. She stood on stage and told everyone to shut up,” Cai Xukun says. Lin Fan looks around the stage. So it’s someone from No Company. There’s a lot of them left she’s close to: Xinyi, Keni, Lingzi, Keran, Nai Wan. Then, “Lu Keran, why did you want everyone to shut up?”

Keran splutters, standing up with shaking hands. “Because,” she stammers, and Cai Xukun is looking at her with warm eyes. _Go on_ , he seems to be saying. “Because I wanted to tell that to everyone who wants to question me, to define me. I wanted them to shut up.”

“So cool of you. Do you want to give an answer that’s a bit more tender?”

Keran stutters through a response again and Cai Xukun motions her up and as she steps up onto the stage, it’s so, so hard for Lin Fan to take her eyes away from her.

The rest is just as she’d expected.

“Jin Zihan, don’t look at me like that,” Xinyi murmurs, and her hand is shaking underneath Lin Fan’s. Ge Xinyi from Gramarie. Eliminated in the third round, twenty-sixth. “Don’t look at me.”

It’s hard to breathe. There’s a difference between expecting a result and having it happen, and although she’d never really had many expectations for this round, it still stings.

“But wait, there’s still you. And Zeng Keni,” Xinyi says, and Lin Fan looks up at the screen. Her face and Keni’s are right there, and Lin Fan looks away.

“I can’t look, I’m too scared,” Lin Fan says to Xinyi, and when Xinyi clasps her hands together, she can see the stickers they’ve all chosen to represent each other. Her heart is thudding a million beats per minute in her chest, and she lets her eyes drift over the seated trainees in front of her.

Keran’s fingers clench and unclench in her shorts, her nerves apparent from so far away, and Lingzi’s shaking, her hand in front of her face, and Lin Fan feels so sorry that she ever put her into this position. To choose between two people so dear to her— Lin Fan wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

There’s a roar of sound when Keni’s name is announced, and she sees Lingzi stand up and clap for Keni and Lin Fan doesn’t register anything else but the way Keran lowers her head almost immediately, the way she takes a shuddering breath.

Lin Fan exhales.

It’s over. It’s all over.

Finally.

“I’ve worked hard and done my best here, so I don’t regret it. There’s not much to be sad about. But Lu Keran, why do you keep crying? Hurry up, stop crying. I’ll go out and cheer for you.

I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot and improved a lot from coming here. But most importantly, I’ve made a group of really good friends. Just now, when I was sitting here, I finally managed to figure out why I keep smiling. No matter what I do, I’m always smiling.

It’s because I think I’m really blessed. Just so blessed. And all of you guys look at me with such warm eyes, even though you also always call me a little foolish.

Thank you guys for liking me, and I like you guys a lot, too.

You can do it, Lu Keran. Sit in the front seats for me, go! Go!

Liu Lingzi, go!

Nai Wan, go!”

It’s a little odd, being all alone in a hotel room after spending five and a half months with so many girls.

There’s a sort of phantom ache, the feeling that something that used to be there just isn’t anymore, except it’s the presence of everyone she’s known and lived with and loved.

She remembers the way Keran sat on top of her bed as Lin Fan packed her clothes, Yiwen’s corner of that room already empty. She’d look away every single time Lin Fan looked up at her, but every time she turned back she could feel the weight of Keran’s eyes on her again.

It was when Lin Fan took down the polaroids, her fingers on the last one, the one she took with Keran on their very first day on set, that Keran climbed down from her bed and pressed herself against Lin Fan’s back. Her fingers brushed against Lin Fan’s as she reached over and plucked the polaroid from her grasp.

“I’m keeping this one,” she said, no-nonsense and without any room for argument. Lin Fan didn’t feel much like arguing about the polaroid, anyway.

She’d have her phone back when she checked out, and she could look up all the photos of them that she missed while she was here. She’d see Xichen and Junxi again, and they could watch the episodes together, and Lin Fan would point out all of the behind the scenes moments they didn’t air. And they could talk about Keran, and how amazing she was for even making it into the top twenty, and how Lin Fan knew she was meant to be there all along.

“What, are you going to miss me or something?” Lin Fan joked, the smile coming easily enough to her face.

“Who in their right mind would ever miss you, you annoying kid? I’ll be back before you know it, so shut up,” Keran sing-songed, clambering up onto her bed, and something in the tone of her voice made Lin Fan pause.

“You’re going to debut with this group, Keran.” Lin Fan frowned. “Definitely.”

“Don’t worry about this polaroid, I’ll come see you soon and I’ll give it back to you once they kick me out,” Keran said. “I mean, seriously. Fourteen? Fourteen minus nine, that’s five spots. It’s a long way to go.”

“You’ll make it,” Lin Fan said, and she’d never felt so sure about anything in her life. “Trust me.”

It’s a unique kind of hell that Lin Fan seems to find herself in time and time again.

It’s between Keran and Nai Wan and Zihan for the last three slots for ninth place, and Lin Fan’s heart is on the verge of bursting. When Zihan is announced for eleventh, Lin Fan thinks they’ve made a mistake, but then she sees the thinly veiled surprise on everyone’s face, feels the shock ripple through the crowd like a wave, and she knows it’s for real.

She watches as Keran and Naiwan grab onto each other’s hands tightly enough to bruise, and Lin Fan’s been there: pit against a friend for the last position, the awful feeling of wanting to chase your own success even when it comes at the price of someone else’s, a friend’s. She doesn’t envy them at all, not one bit. She just wishes she were there to comfort them, but as it stands, they only have each other.

Yiwen, next to her, has her hands clasped and her eyes shut, and it’s all Lin Fan can do to keep her hands from shaking too badly on the banner.

The four of them from dorm room nine. Maybe it’s their lucky number, a twist of fate that they all ended up here like this.

“Congratulations to Lu Keran for joining THE9.”

There’s no way Lin Fan could ever have stopped herself from crying. No way, not in a hundred years, and Lin Fan knows she’s probably making the ugliest face ever on camera, but she doesn’t care.

Her best friend’s debuting, and as Keran takes the stairs, one step at a time, and the other girls run to throw their arms around her, Lin Fan can’t help but feel like Keran is going somewhere she can’t follow anymore.

After everything is over— the photo-ops, the cameras, the interviews, everything— Keran drags Lin Fan to an empty dressing room, and Lin Fan feels like she can finally breathe again.

“THE9’s Lu Keran. Doesn’t it sound good? I told you you’d make it, I _told you so_ ,” Lin Fan crows, slouching into a chair. Keran paces around her, and somehow, there’s still so much nervous energy radiating from her. Lin Fan frowns at her and stands up. “Come here.”

Keran looks at her with suspicion, and Lin Fan takes the first step, looping her arms around Keran’s body. Keran’s hands come up to rest on Lin Fan’s back, and where Keran’s fingers press, tentative, against her shoulder blades, Lin Fan can feel her shake.

“You did it,” Lin Fan murmurs, her mouth against Keran’s ear. “It was such a long journey, but you did it, you did it.”

“Lin Fan, wait, hold on,” Keran says, suddenly, and she slips out of Lin Fan’s hug so easily, and then she’s a few steps away.

“What’s going on?”

“I want to tell you this properly. Don’t interrupt me.” Keran takes a deep breath. “I know you know, but I want to tell you with my own words, from my own mouth. I wanted to tell you this for so long, but I got scared, and then I didn’t. But you found out somehow, so I thought it would be okay, but then it didn’t feel right. I was going to tell you after the last ranking actually, but then I thought I’d be home soon, so I’d tell you then, but,” and Keran laughs, shaky, “I guess that’s not happening anymore. So I’m telling you now.”

Lin Fan takes a step forward, but Keran puts her hand up, _stop_ , and she does.

“Lin Fan, I like you. Honestly, I don’t even know how it even started, but I like you a lot, and I have for a long time. Yeah,” Keran finishes off, and then she clamps her mouth shut, her eyes darting to everywhere in the room except the person directly in front of her.

The words rattle around in Lin Fan’s brain for a moment as they sink in, and she gets a sudden feeling of deja vu. She looks at Keran, who’s staring at her with mild annoyance now.

“Done thinking yet?” Keran asks, a little bit of acid tingeing her words, and honestly, why is _Lin Fan_ being scolded when she doesn’t even know what’s going on anymore.

“I thought you liked Yuxin,” Lin Fan blurts out, the first thought that came to her mind of that night in the practice room, and Keran’s eyebrows furrow.

“What about Yuxin?”

“Don’t you like her? I saw you two!”

“No, I mean, I like her, but not like that. It just wouldn’t work out,” Keran says. Her mouth is pursed, like she’s recalling some particularly difficult conversations. “I don’t think we’d be good for each other for too long. I’m not the kind of person she wants, and she’s not what I want, either.”

“And I am?”

And Keran looks her square in the eyes and says, “You are.”

There’s a lot to unpack there, Lin Fan knows, a lot of misunderstandings and unspoken words to work around, but the more she thinks about it, the more the puzzle pieces start to fall into place. All of the things she’d done Lin Fan thought were weird, that period of time they’d been walking on eggshells around each other— so it was because Keran liked her.

They’ll have to talk about it later, but that’s for another time.

For now:

“Can I kiss you?” Lin Fan asks, blunt, and Keran’s face is as honest as ever in its surprise. She nods, and that’s all that Lin Fan needs to cross the distance between them, to cup Keran’s face in her hands, to press her lips against Keran’s.

She feels Keran smile against her lips, feels Keran slip her hands around Lin Fan’s waist and she can feel the way that the tension just drains out of the other girl, melting away like it was nothing at all to begin with.

Like this, Lin Fan is okay with waiting. She’ll wait as long as she needs to for Keran to come back, for them to figure things out.

She’ll be a star, and Lin Fan will be right by her side the entire time to cheer her on, just like she promised.

Just like always.

It’s a blustery winter day in Changsha, cold and windy, and Lin Fan stares up at the LED screen announcing the most recent arrivals. It’s been a busy year and a half, her schedule chock-full with magazine pictorials and song releases and all sorts of things. She’d had to clear out the rest of her day just to be able to make it here to the airport tonight, but she’s glad she did.

 _Arrived: Beijing, 23:03_ , the screen reads, and Lin Fan checks her watch. It’s nearly midnight, so where in the world—

There.

She comes out of the gate, her phone in one hand and a suitcase Lin Fan’s never seen before in the other. She spots Lin Fan almost immediately, beelining directly for her, and Lin Fan waves, unfolding herself from where she’d been leaning against the wall and waiting for her to arrive.

“You’re finally here.”

“I’m back,” Keran replies, her grin sunny, and she’s not THE9’s Lu Keran anymore. She’s just Keran, and the thought of that makes Lin Fan break into a smile so big it almost hurts. She wraps her arms around Keran, and Keran drops her suitcase, burying her face into Lin Fan’s puffy jacket and resting her forehead on Lin Fan’s shoulder. When they pull apart, it’s with the knowledge that from now on, they’ll be together.

Lin Fan picks up Keran’s discarded suitcase and ignores her shouts to _let it go!_ and motions for her to follow. She turns back to make sure Keran is following her, and Keran picks up the pace so that they’re walking side by side.

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” Keran teases, lilting, and Lin Fan sighs. She’s the same as ever, it seems, but Lin Fan doesn’t mind. She reaches for Keran with her free hand, and she feels Keran twine their fingers together.

“Welcome home.”

“I want to tell Lu Keran… Never mind, I can’t say these kinds of cheesy things to her. Lu Keran, you have to be well. I’ll always be by your side.”

**Author's Note:**

> was toying with the idea of lf getting another 5 gfs the way she has irl but i refrained from adding that in.. rip gxy/hxy/qnwz/all of lf's gfs.. it’s okay lf and lkr might have other gfs but they will always be each other’s endgame soulmates.... if i don’t believe who will!!!! :'( shoutout to youth counselor + rap mentor 91, without whom dorm9 would not be complete
> 
> translations used in this fic are mine, please let me know if there are glaring errors!! i hope you liked it!! ♡♡
> 
> [cc](http://curiouscat.me/mangzhong)


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